The last two days have been pretty brutal. They have taken me to places with God that I didn't know existed. Laying bare before Him. Heart breaking. Wondering. Imagining. Resting. Wrestling. Remembering. Pounding my fists on the floor like a small child who just doesn't understand and who doesn't like what's happening to her very much. Feeling a pit in my stomach. Thinking that time is going way too quickly and no where near fast enough at the same time. Weeping as I'm watching my kids get on the school bus because I wonder what news I may have to tell them the next time I see them.
I heard the news that the cancer isn't in my brain. Relief flooded. Tears flowed. Lips smacked together in a big kiss [Okay...that was Chad and me smooching, not me and Dr. Singh (although he is cute).] It was awesome, awesome news! Although we don't know what's going on with my eye yet, we know that there isn't an obvious tumor and we are thrilled about that.
Afterward, as Chad and I were enjoying a celebratory lunch outside of a local restaurant, he asked me if I felt as if a burden was released. Much to my surprise, I hesitated before answering. I guess the simple and honest answer to Chad's question is, "Of course!" But the longer answer (and probably way more complicated than what I'm going to be able to articulate well here) is something like this:
Yesterday at Bible study I was reminded of a paramount truth that I had, somehow, let slip to the back of my brain and my heart as I've seen the size of the waves around me become bigger and bigger and scarier and scarier. I had somehow forgotten that all throughout the Bible we see evidences of God demonstrating and out-right telling us that He is sovereign and He is sweet and He is good and He is loving. Somehow I minimized the fact that God has said to me (and to you too), "I know what I'm doing, Kristie." For a moment, I had forgotten this. Somehow I took a look at the things that weren't making sense to me and got so focused on those things that the reality of what God can do, and is doing, was pushed to the background. And when I was reminded of this yesterday, it was like a rush of peace. The burden of worry, the burden of wondering what might lie ahead, the burden of fear started to move from my shoulders to His and my eyes started to see again clearly that the truths of His character are far mightier than the unknowns of my situation.
So please, don't even think for a moment there wasn't a sense of relief today when I heard the MRI was clear; there absolutely was. How would that not cause anyone to let out a sigh of relief and a shout of praise (as well as give your cute husband a big 'ole kiss!)? But, it was cool to realize that the depths of worry had already begun to be transferred over and this news was just wonderful, wonderful icing on the cake.
Does that make sense? I hope so.
One last thing and it's a bit awkward to say, but...I want you all to know that I'm not a faith "super-hero." There are no such things. As I've said to some of you...I'm just a girl with a really big God. Anything remarkable or inspiring or anything worth admiring is only because Christ is real and He is good and He offers a hope that extends even into the darkest of situations. He offers it to me. He offers it to you. And He wants us to trust Him and rest in Him. Easier said than done, but unequivocally true nonetheless.
Thanks for loving me and caring for my family. You are a joy to me.