Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Past Updates - July 13

I'm sitting here in Roswell and wanted to send out a request for prayers...
I'm getting a bone scan and a CT scan this morning.  Already have been injected with my radioactive agent for the bone scan and have had an incredibly yummy (hmmm...not so much) Roswell-style smoothie in preparation for my CT scan.  A girl can get a lot done by 8:30 AM can't she...
I have a very clear list of "what Kristie wants" to see happen based on these tests that I'm getting today.  Kristie wants the tests to be clear and conclusive so that, when I meet with my oncologist tomorrow at 12:30, there is no need for additional tests.  Kristie also wants the test results to show that the cancer in my body is not growing and the pain in my back is just due to some simple thing that can be fixed by a long, long massage.   And, what Kristie really wants - if she's really dreaming big - is for no evidence of cancer at all in my body. Forever.  
Oh how I've laid those wants at the feet of Christ and have asked and asked again for them. 
But, as I'm typing this note, I'm asking myself, "Is that really what I want you all to pray for?"
Hmm...yes, but also no.
What I really need - even more than what I totally, totally, want - is to know fully the truths of God and to have those truths be the loudest words I hear.  That they overpower any other voice - especially the voice of fear, the voice of doubt, the voice of worry, and the voice of uncertainty.  I want to be totally comforted by the fact that He is present and that He knows and that He never leaves and that He is sovereign.  I want to be able to stare any news from these tests straight in the eye and, from the inmost places of my head and my heart, be okay with what I hear because I know the One who is walking this road with me. 
I was reading through parts of the book of Isaiah 40 yesterday on my back deck.  There's a passage that says:
v. 11 [The Lord] tends his flock like a shepherd: 
He gathers the lambs in his arms 
and carries them close to his heart; 
he gently leads those that have young.
v. 12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, 
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, 
or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?
Two truths about God hit me and I am both comforted by these truths, but also find myself challenged by how to integrate them. Let me explain.
In verse 11, I can know that God tenderly cares for me, for you.  I can envision Him gathering me in His arms and carrying me close to His heart.  I can imagine the sound of His heartbeat and I can be comforted by the gentle way in which He holds me.  I feel unique in His eyes. I feel protected in His arms.  I feel attended to in a intensely personal way.  I can envision Him...a loving Father holding His precious child.  He'd do anything for me.  He is the Good Shepherd.
In verse 12, I can know that God is infinitely large, infinitely powerful, infinitely wise.  How big does He have to be for Him to say of Himself that He measures the waters in His hand, that He marks off the heavens with His arms, that He holds the dust of the earth in a basket and weighs the majestic, larger-than-large mountains on the scales?  How big of a God is He? 
Yet how small of a girl am I? 
As stand alone verses, there is nothing but comfort for me, yet when I integrate them, that comfort is somewhat elusive to my heart.  How do I fully embrace the fact that I am His precious child while not making Him one inch smaller in my eyes than He is?  How do I envision Him holding me at the same time I envision Him holding a mountain? 
For the first time, I am better understanding the depths of the question David asks of God in Psalm 8, "What is man that you are mindful of him...?"  
Oh Lord, who am I that You should choose to put down the waters and, with those same hands, hold me gently? if you would take a moment and pray both for me and for my best friend, Laura, who is going in for her next chemo treatment tomorrow.  Please pray that any hindrances that keep us from experiencing the fullness of the Lord would just fall away and that we would run this race marked out for us...That we would run it with perseverance, with the joy set before us, without fear?  Pray that we would trust in and rest in His Tender-Greatness. 
Thanks my friends...

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