Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Update #27

In short...
Tumor markers up.
Cheeks (you know, those cheeks)  sore.
A few tears shed.
No decisions made.  
(Sometimes I impress myself with how few words I can use to summarize 3+ hours of my day.)
If you want a few more words, keep reading...
In essence, the probability that this 3rd line anti-estrogen is working is slim at best.  I shared all of my questions with my doctor regarding treatment options and she, once again, was fabulous in addressing them and doing her best to listen to me as a whole person and treat me as such.   Not to bore you with all the details of our conversation, but she understands what's at stake for me. She understands the limitations of medicine to solve my problem.  She understands my need to bring honest questions to her and have her answer me as honestly as she knows how.   
And it's hard for too.
She had tears in her eyes today, too.
Not because she sees my situation as hopeless today; but because she sees me. 
She sees me.
She understands - to some degree - what it's like to contemplate all this.
A new friend of mine (actually a Catholic Nun...long story...tell you later!) asked me last week what name do I most often call God.  When I pray, what name do I use?  
Holiest Ruler of all of Heaven and Earth was how I answered her.
(Just kidding. But it was a bit disconcerting to tell a nun how I talk to God.  I mean, she's the expert in talking to God, not me, right?) 
When I shared with her my real answer to her question, she encouraged me to expand the name I use when I think about and talk to God.   
I chose Elroy.
Oh, I mean El Roi.
I hope you laughed.  (That's about as funny as today's note's gonna be, folks)
Did you know that God calls himself by many names in Scripture.  One of those is El Roi.  It means the God who Sees. 
I gotta know that, right now, when things are hard and questions loom and my "normal" may be changing, I gotta know that He sees me. 
As much as I want to see Him, I gotta know that He sees me.
He sees me as I lay in bed contemplating the events that may take place today. 
He sees me as I drive into Roswell singing at the top of my lungs. 
He sees me as I wait in a lovely hospital gown.
He sees me as I sit here - ready to cry again at the drop of a hat - trying to honestly tell you what's going on, what I feel, what I know.
Yes, as much as His Name is much as His Name is much as His name is Father, Provider, Prince of Peace, much as He is all those names and more, 
He is the God who Sees.
I needed to know that today. 
I hope you did too.
Thanks for your prayers.  I cannot even imagine doing this journey without you.
Love to you,

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