I chose wrong.
Yesterday I made the choice to start off my day without spending time with God. On most mornings, you can find me at our kitchen table with Bible open on the table and - as of 4 months ago, my puppy on my lap. I love that time of day; I get up early for that time of the day. I usually delay getting started on my "to-do" list until after God and I first meet in the mornings. It has been both a habit and a joy for me for the past several years.
Not yesterday...there was just too much to do - important stuff, stuff that had to get done. Stuff that, if it hadn't gotten done, other lives would have been negatively impacted. So, I began my very full day without being freshly reminded of the God who loves me, who walks with me and before me, the God who never fails me.
Because what I thought would be a routine visit to the Gynecology clinic at Roswell turned into a...
"You have a suspicious spot on your left ovary that may or may not be cancerous - breast or ovarian."
"You need to have your ovaries removed."
"The surgery doesn't have to be today, but you should have it in February sometime."
What's the proper typed word for "sigh." Can you almost hear my exhale of breath? Can you imagine my eyes turned toward heaven filling with tears? Can you imagine my stomach tighten? Can you envision my brain swirling and swirling and swirling?
How could I have even thought about walking into Roswell not prepared by a time of intentional conversation with and study of Christ? What was I thinking? Did I think that I knew what was awaiting me that day? Did I think I was tough enough, studied-up enough, smart enough, strong enough, in control enough...you fill in the blank?
Do you start your day thinking that you know what's going to happen and that you're prepared for it? Do you live as though today and tomorrow and the day after that are known? That they'll be things you can handle? That you'll be able to live by your calendar, your Blackberry, the schedule you've followed most days?
What - dare I ask it - happens when the events of your day don't at all match your expectations?
Do you wish for a "do-over?" Do you wish you could look behind you and see days and days of different decisions, different priorities, different choices that would have been more of a solid foundation for the earthquake that may be happening to you at this moment?
While I don't long for a total do-over, I do wish that I could rewind the clock and, when I left my bedroom in the dark of yesterday's morning, that I didn't head to my office, but I headed to my "church" - a simple kitchen table, with a precious Bible, a Holy God and me - an imperfect, fallible, wholly loved little girl in the eyes of my Heavenly Father.
Had I chosen differently, here's what perfectly-timed word from God through my daily devotional I would have read:
TRUST ME by relinquishing control into My hands. Let go, and recognize that I am God.This is My world; I made it and I control it. Yours is a responsive part in the litany of love.I search among my children for receptivity to Me.Guard well this gift that I have planted in your heart. Nurture it with the light of My presence.When you bring Me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me.Speak to Me candidly; pour out your heart.Then thank Me for the answers that I have set into motion long before you can discern the results....*From an awesome devotional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
Oh how I wished I had read this and thought about this and thanked God for this in advance of my doctor's appointment yesterday. To have that truth in the forefront of my mind, my heart, my spirit would have made all the difference. Yet how thankful I am that God is a God who gives us a clean slate, who welcomes us with open arms and has new mercies for us each morning. How thankful that I can choose differently today. And tomorrow. And the days after that until I have the pleasure of meeting The King of kings and Lord of lords face-to-face.
P.S. The details: Surgery is scheduled for 2/28. It is laparoscopic so the recovery will only be about a week laying low at home. I'm good with the timing of it - can still do the planned vacations and be feeling good when the kiddos have their February break.
P.P.S. The prayer requests...if you're looking for specific prayer requests, here they are:
- That my eyes stayed fixed on Christ - nothing or no one else. That I believe Him in full for all that He has promised me.
- That Chad continues to be strengthened and encouraged; believe it or not, he is bearing the brunt of this burden...He is my prayer warrior, my tangible reminder of the love of the Lord, and the guy who makes this sometimes worried and sad girl smile and giggle.
- That my tumor markers return to normal levels and that this suspicious spot would be nothing dangerous. For my body to continue to feel better (I do feel better...less achy)
- That we will have the right words to tell Emilie and Daniel about this surgery. We will probably not tell them until after my pre-op appointment on 2/15.