Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Update #76

Monday, I had the incredible privilege of being in the delivery room when Danielle and Ryan welcomed their second little boy, Hudson John, into this world.  
How thankful I am for that great joy. 

Tuesday, I had a liver biopsy that went relatively easily.  Minimal to no lasting discomfort.  No scarring. Almost no impact to my life.  
How thankful I am for that unexpected gift.

Today, was chemo.  It was physically fairly easy (other than the Benadryl drip which made me light-headed, a touch queasy and super tired.)  
How thankful I am for that aspect of today.

And of course, I am thankful for others things from today – from medical technologies, to a great husband, to family and friends who love us well - but, even with that thankfulness in mind, the rest of my time there today was anguishing.    

I cried after the nurse put the line in and came back with all the tubing that I needed for the infusion.
I cried after the pre-meds were administered and she came to hook up the chemo agent (Taxol).
Tears streaming down my face and quiet shudders so to not disturb the other patients in the infusion room.

And then, when it was over and we got into the car, the "crying like a baby" turned into "screaming like a toddler."  
In fact, you could say that I had a full-fledged temper tantrum.
[Aren't you proud of me that I waited to do that until I got into the car? :) ]

You see, despite knowing truths about God's power and His never-leaving presence…despite having experienced His tenderness…despite trusting that death is just a gateway to eternal life…despite all those things…I got mad.  (I almost said frustrated, but in reality, that's a cop-out word. The truth is I got downright angry.)

I got mad that, three weeks out of each month, I will have to do this again and again.
I got mad that the caustic nature of chemo will quickly force me into getting a medi-port.
I got mad that soon I will be balding/bald.
I got mad that I'm dumping all these chemicals into my body, after I've been so careful to put good, whole, clean, non-GMO, organic, foods into it.
I got mad that the alternative treatments that I have been doing for the past few years haven't seemed to make an impact.
I just got mad.

And, boy, did I let God (and, probably, all the cars that drove by and saw a screaming lunatic and her crying husband!) know it.

What do you do when you get mad?

Do you keep it inside and stuff it and pretend everything's fine?
Do you let it out, but direct it at the wrong person or thing?
Or do you let it out and bring it before the only one who can do something about it?

Here's what I know: God doesn't deserve my anger. 
But, even so, He willingly lets me pour out my honest – sometimes mad - heart to Him.

How do I know that He's willing to let us to do that?

Because of Psalm 88. 

Psalm 88 is all about being in a situation you don't understand and don’t like and telling God about it - even going so far to accuse God both of being who He isn't and doing what He doesn't.
[If you're resonating with what I'm saying today take a peek at Psalm 88 in two different translations (;MSG)]

You see, just Psalm 88's INCLUSION in Scripture,  amazes me.

God doesn't deserve to be told things like the Psalmist told God in Psalm 88. 
Yet God includes it in the Bible.
Why would He do that?  Why would He allow those unfair, unfounded, accusatory words to be included in His word?

Because He knows us. He knows that sometimes our roads are so hard that we wrongly see Him in it.  
And because He loves us.  He loves us so much that He doesn't just TOLERATE us pouring out our hurt hearts to Him, he PROVIDES us the words to us (like those Psalm 88). 
And because He knows we don't want to stay mad.  We want to move past it. We want to return to a place of contented trust.  
So He helps us get it OUT so that we can get His truths IN.

That's why I love God.

Because the truth is I had a Psalm 88 kind of morning.
And, in His great mercy and deep love, He has allowed me to pour out screaming feelings so that He can move me past Psalm 88 and into Psalm 100:

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God.
Is is He who made us, and we are His;
We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise;
Give thanks to Him and praise His name.

For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.

I don't know what in your life has you angry.
I don't what what you're doing about it.
But let me encourage you that your Heavenly Father longs to bend His ear to hear your honest heart and longs to open His mouth to whisper His soothing truths in your ear.
To restore you.
To set your feet on solid ground.
To return joy to your heart.

May we all hear Him.
And may it matter.

Love to you.

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