Update #47

Wrote this around 2 PM today. Didn't get a chance to send it out until now. I'm, thankfully, home!
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Sitting at Roswell. Waiting for my scans. Again.

Not a place that I am unfamiliar with.
But not a place that makes it easy for me to rejoice.

The sad part is that I'm not alone.

In the last 15 minutes, there have been 30 other people, couples, families who have walked by my little, out-of-the-way place where I've set up shop as I wait. Whoops. Make that 31.

Time to be honest. Do you know what question I have asked myself over and over again during the past almost three years when I'm here?

Do I care?
Do I care that there are hundreds and hundreds of other patients here?
Or do I just care that I'm here?

Perhaps my answer to this question isn't completely black and white, but I do have a definitive answer to that question.

Chad and I have taken a very nice Christian worship song that has a line it is that says, "It's all about you, Jesus. And all this is for you, Jesus" and we - when we think the other person is being a bit selfish or egocentric - will sarcastically sing it to the other one but replace Jesus' name with one of our names. In essence what we're laughingly reminding each other of is that there is One who deserves to be the center of the world, but neither one of us is Him.

So, because Chad's off getting a quick bite to eat in the cafeteria, I guess I'm stuck singing that sarcastic version of that lyric to myself. Because, truth be told, that's how I feel right now.

I could lie to you and say that I don't care as much about myself as the others' who are in this place. I could pretend that I've never thought about it before or that it's a silly question. Or I could even lie to you and say that, from now on, I will care about others more than myself; after all, that's biblical. But since I have committed to walk this journey out with you as authentically as possible, those are not viable options.

The truth is that I'm in process on this one. And, while I wish my honest answer isn't what it is, the reality is that's where I am: I care very much what happens to me and sometimes that makes me focus only on me and what this means for my husband, my kids, my dog even :)

So why am I sitting here with a smile on my face after coming to this "you're not as good as you thought you were" realization?

Because, as much as I know that God intends for me to see things a bit differently than I see them today, I am so much more in awe of Christ.
Of His selflessness.
Of His countless examples of choosing to prioritize others.
Of His ability to change His own difficult on earth situation at any time by calling "legions of angels" to release Him and, yet, choosing not to.

Why would He do that?
Why on earth would He do all that when He could have easily and simply and quickly and painlessly have chosen not to?

(Here comes the reason for my smile…)

So that you and I could experience a forgiveness, a restoration and a freedom that is beyond words. Beyond what we deserve.

So that you and I could express our weaknesses and failures and questions and doubts and know that we will not be tossed aside as useless to Him.

So that you and I could be in a place - while not unfamiliar, but difficult - and know that we can experience a joy and a peace that defies the boundaries of our walls.

So that you and I can know that hard circumstances don't deny a good God.

Thanks, God, for that truth.  I needed that. 

So...as I go to try to beat my record in the "How Fast Can You Chug Your CT Smoothie" contest, my heart is lighter and my mind is calmer. Good stuff.

Love,
Kristie
P.S. I'll get the results on 2/6. Be back in touch then.