Update #57

Just a quick one today…

#1  Radiation is OVER!  Super thankful that I was able to get a daily appointment time at 8:10 AM so the impact to my kiddos was minimal.  Super thankful that the side effects were minimal.  Super thankful that those lovely green accessories on my legs can now be removed.  Not super thankful that my quad and hamstring muscles didn't particularly like being radiated and they feel as if they've been fairly severely pulled.  They say that it should get better "over time", but I'm actually in more pain now than I was before.  Nothing two advil can't take care of, tho, so we're still good.   Ahh…the joys of treatment. :)

#2  Zambia is ON!  Long story, but I made a decision to go to Zambia. It's actually a cool story, but not one that fits into "this is a quick update" category. Suffice it say, it's not a "bucket-list" decision (I don't believe in bucket lists) nor is it a stick-your-head-in-the-sand-and-pretend-there-aren't-risks decision; rather, it's an obedience-to-God's-leading decision.  So…I, and 4 others from my church, will be gone from 8/20-8/27.  Other than the long travel times (JFK – Johannesburg, SA is 15 1/2 hours!), there's nothing about this trip that causes me any worry or concern or even the slightest furrowed brow feeling.  On the flip side, I also don't have any expectations as to what I will experience or what God has for me to be a part of when I'm there.  My biggest prayer is that this time away matters for eternity. Oh, and that I don't get yellow fever. That's also a prayer.  Because getting yellow fever or meningitis or malaria or typhoid, well…that would just stink.  :)

#3  Reprieve from Roswell for the rest of the summer.  Because of being away, I actually have a 5 week break from Roswell!  I don't return until 9/6 for scans and the 9/11 for my appointment with my oncologist to see what might be going on inside my body.  This break feels glorious.  And I will take it with open hands and a grateful heart. :)

[And, yes, if you've been counting…that's three smily faces in one email.  Can you tell that I'm thrilled to be done with Roswell for a little bit?] 

Enjoy the rest of your summer, my friends!

Love,

Kristie 

Update #56

Quick one today. 

Three things:

One Big Praise! Chad spoke truth this weekend at church. It was an honor to listen to him. Even more so because I have seen first-hand - and time and time again - that he actually lives out that which he shared.  In this mess of cancer, Chad is patient and worshipful. He perseveres & battles to keep his feet firmly planted in faith.  He chooses to daily trust in the unchanging character of God.  What a blessed girl I am to have him!  If you have about 30 minutes and want to watch a potentially tear-jerking video from me (a letter to our kids that I read aloud), listen to Chad's talk, and hear me bumble thru an ending, you can go to www.wchamburg.org.  

One Ugh!  I am starting radiation to my left femur on Wednesday. I will go every day (M-F) for two weeks.  The side effects are expected to be minimal. However, the decision has been difficult to make because my pain levels, while slightly increasing, are still VERY low and, although the actual treatment only takes minutes, the entire process of driving in/out, parking, etc. will take about 2 hours out of each day…time away from my kiddos.  

One Help! I have been presented with an opportunity to go on a missions trip to Zambia.  There is some significant concern by my doctor that it is an unwise move because of the vaccinations that I must get in order to go. I am torn about what to do.  Although I will be getting only inactive (non-live) vaccines, there is risk that my cancer meds will interfere with the efficacy of the vaccines. I need to make my decision by tomorrow.  Yikes!  If I do go, it will be from about 8/21 – 8/28.   I'd love your prayers for wisdom on this…

Thanks, friends!

K.

Update #55

I just reconnected on Facebook with a college friend. She reached out to me after finding a link to the blog where all these updates are also posted. In her message she said that she had a sleepless night and read through almost all of the updates from start to finish. 

At first I was flattered that she would invest her time doing that.  

But quickly I realized that perhaps she read them because she was desperately trying to fall asleep and that darn sheep-counting exercise just wasn't working as well as reading updates #1-#54! 

Funny, right? 

In all honesty – and I'm trying to say this as accurately as possible so that it isn't misinterpreted - while as much as I truly appreciate anyone spending time reading these updates in one sitting, there is something about that that is a bit troubling to me.

Reading updates #1-#54 takes about an hour or two. 

Living them out has taken over 3 years.

And there's something incredibly real that is lost by looking back and reading update #54 just minutes after reading update #53 when, in actuality, it took 27 days of moment-by-moment living in order for Update #54  to be written.  There's something lost by being able to start from June 24, 2013 and read backward to May 6, 2010.  There's something lost about just clicking on "Next Page" and waiting 0.5 seconds for the page to load in order to find out what happens.  

You already know how the story has gone.

You already know the outcome. 

You don't have to wait and wonder and wait and wonder. And wait and wonder.

You don't have to live in between the updates.

And that's the total opposite of what actually occurred in order for an update to be written:

I had to live in order for there to be anything to write about in an update.

In between the updates is what living is all about. Is what faith is all about. 

About waking up each morning and choosing to trust Him.

About ending a day realizing you didn't end up trusting Him very well that day.

About wrestling with Him over what might happen in the coming days and weeks and months and years.  

About spending time in His Word, remembering His promises and His character and the blessings He's already abundantly provided.

About surrendering all the "what-if" questions to the One who has proven Himself trustworthy. 

Absolutely; there is much gained by reading someone's faith story journal from back to front or from front to back in one sitting.

But there is some that is lost. 

And that bothers me a little.  

Because I don't want anyone ever thinking, for one second, that I am just a compilation of my updates, a series of snapshots, a set of pretty postcards. 

Because I'm not. 

I'm a girl who has to decide – each morning, each evening, each moment - if Christ is who He said He is, and can do what He promises, and can offer hope that lasts and joy that permeates and peace that settles and calms.  

And so do you. 

While you might not have to write updates, you, like me, still have to make daily choices on how you're going to live. About what you're going to believe. About what life is all about. About what you do when you fail. About where your eyes and heart and mind rest when things are unknown and difficult and not how you'd love for them to be.

That's the real stuff of living.

And on Saturday night and on Sunday morning (3 times!), Chad and I get the opportunity to share more about this.  

About encountering God in the midst of the real stuff of living, even when that real stuff of living is hard.  

How it's messy and beautiful and frustrating and comforting.   

Ultimately, how we can still experience the mercy and compassion of God.

If you've got nothing to do – or if you have a million things to do, but sense that this may be something that's important for you to hear – you're welcome to come.

Once again, I end with this: I appreciate you more than you know.  

K.

Wesleyan Church of Hamburg

4999 McKinley Parkway

Hamburg, NY 14075

Service Times

Saturday night at 6:30 

Sunday at 9:15 (smaller, traditional service in the Chapel), 

Sunday at 9:30 and 11 (in the big worship center)

(Children's Sunday School Offered at each service)
Connect with me if you have questions

Update #54

Just a quick update…

It was a ROUGH week last week…from randomly occurring (and excruciating may I add!) tooth pain and a bad reaction to pain meds (think "toss-your-cookies repeatedly"), to mouth sores that have caused me to have to stop the new cancer meds (hopefully, temporarily), to a bad reaction to the medicine that was supposed to help my mouth sores (can you say bumpy face and neck?).  

Hmm…not exactly the "Welcome to Summer Vacation" I had envisioned for my family! 

Ugh. 

But, thankfully, today is a much easier day.  

Tooth pain totally gone.  

Mouth sores are almost resolved.  

Bumpy skin from the allergic reaction is smoothing out.  

Leg pain gone after taking 2 Advil. 

AND I'm in Pittsburgh with my kiddos visiting my sister's church because they do an incredible, 800+ kid Vacation Bible School for the week!  They're all at church and I get 3 hours to myself in a house that doesn't belong to me (think: no housework and no guilt).  

So…I decided I'd take 3 minutes and let you know of all that craziness and ask for your continued prayers that I would be able to be tolerate the cancer meds once I start back up again (probably on a reduced dosage) this week and that the meds would be effective.  My next appointment is Tuesday (July 2). Blood work will be done to show tumor marker levels and I'll make my decision regarding doing radiation to my leg.  No surgery needed to put in a rod into my femur, by the way.  Phew. 

Also, I wanted you to know that our church has asked Chad and me to speak again this summer.  We will be speaking at all four services during the weekend of July 20 and 21. If you'd like to come and hear us speak, we'd love for you to join us: 

Wesleyan Church of Hamburg

4999 McKinley Parkway

Hamburg, NY 14075

Service Times

Saturday night at 6:30 

Sunday at 9:15 (smaller, traditional service in the Chapel), 

Sunday at 9:30 and 11 (in the big worship center)

Update #53

Just a quick one now…perhaps I'll write more later…

Based on scans and slightly increased tumor markers, I will be changing treatment to an endocrine based therapy.  This therapy is a newly approved therapy for Breast Cancer and one that has side effects that are substantially easier than traditional chemotherapy.   I will start taking these daily pills in the next couple of days.   One of the listed side effects is "a change in personality."  I openly laughed out loud at that one.  That's funny.  How in the world do they measure that?  (Let's hope I don't have to come back in a few weeks and tell you that I know why that's listed as a side effect. Thank goodness I'm not naturally wired to be a hypochondriac…can you imagine!?! :)

So, although I'm not starting a hard chemo regiment (for which I am beyond-words grateful), I do have a few prayer requests that'd I'd love for you to be praying….

(1) There MAY be cancer now in my lung. If so, it's small (and no symptoms that I can tell).

(2) I MAY need to have radiation done to my left femur as it's been causing me some pain.  I will consult with a Radiation Oncologist in the coming days.

(3) I MAY need to have surgery to put a rod in my femur to stabilize it. I will be meeting with a orthopedic who specializes in bone-based cancer in the coming days.

(4) Although there are several not-so-nice side effects of this new endocrine therapy, a more common one – and one that could preclude me from continuing with this therapy – is debilitating mouth sores.  I don't want those.  Nor really do I want ANY negative side effects!! :)

(5) I would really like for this treatment to work wonderfully.

(6) I would really, really, really like for cancer to be fully, forever and ever gone from my healthy body.  Now, that's a risky, bold prayer.  Anyone signing up for that one? :)  I know that I have been, and will continue to,asking for that and have been/will continue to do my best to trust His answer and His timing. 

Thanks, friends.

You know, not every time I've gone into Roswell, have I walked in and out emotionally in a good place. Today – despite the seemingly difficulty of the news that I heard – I did.  I'm super thankful for that. 

I hope no matter what lies before you, no matter what your feet are walking thru, no matter what your eyes see as they glance around you, no matter what your ears can't help but hear…in the midst of all that, I hope you have a deep sense of His hands holding you.   It's not always an easy place, but it's a good one. 

Update #52 - With a Twist

It's been three years since my re-diagnosis. 

And it's been three years of you having to read update after update after update as to what's going on in my life. 

In honor of your tremendous commitment, I've decided to give you a break from reading yet another typical update and have determined that you all must now have the opportunity to experience my fantabulous poetry skills. In fact, I'm sure that, once you read this poem, you will decide that Shel Silverstein and Dr. Seuss have nothing on me. 

Roswell tomorrow.

Oh how fun.

Roswell tomorrow.

Hmm…what has this cancer done?

Roswell tomorrow.

For scans, scans, scans.

Roswell tomorrow

I may need ya, but I ain't one of your fans. 

Any applause? 

No? 

What's that, you say? 

Perhaps I should stick to just plain 'ole writing?

Okay.

Be back in touch next week Wednesday after I hear the results. 

Until then, please know that I will be forever thankful that you have walked these years with my family and me.   You have loved us well.

Love to you,

K. 

Update #51

Super late in posting...sorry...this was sent out on May 1, 2013

[Oops. I almost forgot to lead with the punch line from today’s visit at Roswell: scans scheduled for 5/22 with a follow-up appointment on 5/29 to hear the results.  Also heard that there may be another non-chemo based option that is available to me if a change in treatment is needed based on the scan results. All in all, much easier news than what I could have heard and there’s a relief in that for me.  But rather than talk more about that, what I really wanted you to hear was this…]

Two nights ago, I popped into Daniel’s room for the still popular (thank goodness!) “tuck-me-into-bed” time.  I found him like I often do: snuggled under his covers with a stuffed animal held tightly in his hand. However, on this night, his head was buried in his pillow and he was crying.  

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

Sniffle, sniffle, cry, cry. “I don’t like being a kid.”

“Why’s that, D?”

“Because I don’t have any control.”

After a little cajoling, I found out that Daniel’s tears were due to his daddy saying “No” to his request to have a treat before bed.

You see, Daniel wanted a treat. Bad.

He knew what treat he wanted.

He knew where it was located.

He could imagine how great it would taste, how it would make his belly feel.

How good it would be to have.

He also knew how easy it would be for his dad to say yes to his request and he didn’t really understand…he certainly wasn’t okay with…why his dad was saying no.

Begging and pleading didn’t work to change his dad’s mind.

Arguments and logic didn’t make a dent.

Even the tears that fell from his eyes didn’t have the effect that he wanted them to have.

His dad held firm to his answer, “Not now.”

And when Daniel came to the end of his ability to bargain, his ability to try to persuade…his little 10-year old self got frustrated.  And, for one night two days ago, he determined that the only solution must be to stop being the kid.  To trade his position for the position of his parent.  It had to be better than just being the kid, right?  He’d do it better, right?

Oh Daniel.

How I know how you feel.

I’m sometimes that kid too.  

I’m that kid who has asked and has asked and has asked again and again her Dad in Heaven if she could have something. If He’d open the pantry door and allow her to get that sweet treat of easy, easy news. News that she sometimes thinks would just make everything all better.

I’m that kid who has cried in her pillow as she’s struggled with not understanding this. Not understanding His “not yet” answer.  Who doesn’t like it.  Who wants to know why.  

I’m that kid who wants her tears, her bargaining, her honest heart-gushings to change His “not yet” to a “Yes!” response.  

And, I’m also that kid who, when she doesn’t get the answer she wants, is tempted to believe that life would be so much better if she were in control. If she made those decisions. If she had unhindered access to the pantry of treats and could grab what she wants when she wants it.

Oh yes, Daniel, how I understand.

The seeming-withholding of a sweet blessing is difficult whether you’re 10 or 40.

And as I spoke words of truth to Daniel that night - truths about the great and many benefits of being the child of his father - Daniel’s sobs subsided. The tears stopped falling.  His crumpled, distraught face calmed. And soon a smile began to appear on his face.

Was it the exact words I spoke that made the difference?

Oh, I’m sure they had an impact.

But my guess is that the exact words weren’t really the game-changer for him.

I think the real game changer was that Daniel was reminded that his dad loves him.

I learned afresh these past 24 hours that it's the game-changer for me too. When my heart is hurting and I’m frustrated, all the truth contained in His word doesn’t soothe, doesn't mend, doesn't infuse joy unless I hear and trust that those words are spoken by the One who loves me.    Knowing that the One who hears and responds to my deepest needs and my most desperate pleas...knowing that He loves me...puts my list of worries, complaints, and frustrations in a surrendered, restful position.  

And that's a far better place to be.

Just ask Daniel.  

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement today. I will say it again and again...you all rock.

K.