Update #36

Sorry I didn't update you yesterday on the outcome of my visit to Roswell.

Easy day.

Yay!

Not that I'm a horseracing buff, but it was the trifecta of visits actually:

(1) Most important, my tumor markers are actually even lower than they were last month.

(2) I didn't have to get an infusion because a new bone strengthening drug was just approved by the FDA and it's a shot rather than an IV infusion. 

(3) We made it out of there in record time.  We were in our cars driving home by 10 AM.  That has NEVER happened!

All easy, easy things.  For that, I am grateful. Extremely.

And I realize that it's been a little while since I provided an update on how things are outside of my medical status.  While I'm not going to go super deep with you today, I did want to share with you one little story.  I promise that it will make you smile, perhaps even make you laugh. 

We just got back from a surprise-for-our-kids family vacation to a fabulous home in Delray Beach, FL that a co-worker of Chad graciously offered to us.  It was a wonderful gift and one that provided just the rest and family-time that we really appreciated having, especially given the sadness and stress associated with Laura's death. (I still hate typing those words...still coming to grips with that reality and, quite honestly, I don't like it one bit not having her around and hearing her voice.  Maybe I'll talk more about that at another time.  Not today though.  Today's a day for a funny story!). 

In addition to fun times on the beach, lounging in a hot tub built for 10 (so the kids could actually "swim" in it!), treating ourselves (3 times in 4 days!) to the best, make your own  frozen yogurt desserts....I learned a new thing about my daughter.

I learned that she's a total chicken crossing the street. 

Now Em's a fast girl.  God has gifted her with speed, for sure.  However, she often doesn't like to use that speed.  She could toast almost all of her peers in a footrace, but usually comes in 3rd or 4th because, "Why would I want to get all sweaty just to beat my friends in a race, Mom?" (What?!?!  Where's the competitive Rich/Rush spirit in that statement?!?!).  Well, give that girl a street to cross (and throw in one car driven by a senior citizen that you can barely spot 1/4 mile down the road) and all of a sudden she shows her speediness alright.  She runs like she's being chased by a pack of wild dogs! 

So we're crossing the street at an intersection with crosswalk signals. You know, the signals that show an orange man that tells you to stop and wait and then a white figure that let's you know it's safe to cross.   There isn't a car in sight and we tell the kids they can cross even though the orange guy is telling us to wait. 

Em weighs her options:  "Do I obey my parents or do I obey that orange man?" 

She apparently chose to obey her parents because she takes off like a shot before I take my first step off the curb.  I look up and see the orange guy turn to a white one and I begin to point as I shout to my black daughter who is now halfway across the street, "Look, Em; it's a white man!"   

To make matters worse - but also to make them funnier - my eyes shifted slightly downward and saw an actual "white man" (a Caucasian human, in case you're confused), standing under that crosswalk signal.  A man whose face all of sudden started to look very confused and very uncertain about how he should respond to my sprinting, eyes-filled-with-anxiety daughter who was now just feet away from him and whose mother was yelling about a white man. 

Well, I start laughing; you know the kind of laughing that causes you to just shake because no sound comes out. Chad, of course, heard what I said because I shouted it.  He starts laughing so hard that he has trouble breathing.  And the poor Caucasian man stood there, trying to comprehend our story, not at all knowing what the "politically correct" response was to the situation.  You know that, inside, he was thinking, "Why, oh why, is this mixed-race family pointing out white people?  Do they not think their 10 year old daughter can tell who is black and who is white???" 

(I'm totally laughing as I'm typing this.  It's still totally ridiculous to me that I would say that!)

Chad mumbled through an explanation to the man. I just stood there like a fool laughing. And, all the while, the kids are asking over and over again, "Mom. Mom. Mom.  Why are you laughing? Tell us why you're laughing."  

Oh my gosh. Totally ridiculous.  

   

Okay...so why did I tell you this story?  Well, because it's funny (at least it will forever be a family laugh for Chad and me!)

But I also hope that it reminds you - as it does me - that there is great joy during this challenging time.  I know I've said this before, but it's worth repeating:  there are many, many, many things that happen that cause me  to laugh freely and smile widely as I, at the same time, grieve the loss of Laura and live out the unknowns of our situation.   Yes, this is a hard road. And being a mom walking out this road can be a difficult thing.  But I want you to know that, despite what you may think, being a mom is one of the biggest influences I have to remember that I have to be fully present, fully engaged, fully alive today.  That my children don't need me wondering about and worrying about their future (and my future ability to be their mom).  They need me to be fully present today.  

Laura helped to teach me that.  Her ability to be fully-engaged-in-the-most-important-parts-of-parenting until almost her last breath here on earth was an example worthy to emulate.   She taught her children - because she believed this with her whole being - that her children were entrusted to her for a time. That God loves them more than she does. That her most important role is to be as present and as much of an arrow pointing them toward Christ as she can be.  And that her most important task in living out that role was to pray over her children fervently, consistently and boldly.  Pray for their character. Pray for their belief systems.  Pray for their futures.

How that has encouraged me and challenged me: Live fully present and offer prayers that matter eternally.  So thankful that Laura paved the way in modeling this so that I, too, can choose to live that way and pour that truth over my children. 

And I'm so thankful for you, my friends. 

Thankful for your continued desire and ability to walk alongside of my family and me.  I continue to feel inadequate to express what a blessing you are to us.  

So, enjoy your day.

Hope you had a little laugh.

And, I hope you will never, ever say out loud in a public setting,  "Look! There's a white man!"

K.

Update #35

Easy-to-hear news today at Roswell:  My tumor markers are down a bit from last time and my bone and CT scans show no progression in disease.  

It's hard to put into words how thankful Chad and I were to hear that today.   While we both know that our hope doesn't rest in a medical test or in a scan - or even in what that test or scan reveals - there is just a sense of being able to breathe a bit more freely when you hear that your tumor markers are down and your scans haven't gotten worse.  

So today's drive home from Roswell was a "yippee" and "an-out-loud-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-yahoo" kind of a drive.  It was a "Thank you, Lord" and "Thank you, Lord, again" kind of a drive.  And I am confident that He is pleased with hearing the sound of His daughter's gleeful - rather than sometimes hard fought, thru tears, out of a choice rather than out of overflowing desire - praise.  

So thanks for continuing on this up and down, right-turn and left-turn journey with Chad, the kiddos, and me.  I will say this again and again until I have no voice left to say (or no fingers left to type!), I am grateful for the times when you all step into the gap and intercede for both me and for those whom I love.  It is humbling and encouraging and, above all, a very tangible reminder of the blessings that pour forth when we let people into our lives and share as openly and as honestly as we know how.  For sure, it makes life messier; but boy, does it make all together richer.

How I pray that today - whether it's out of easy glee or out of hard choice - you also praise Him for who He is and who He declares you to be.

With love and deep-seated appreciation,

Kristie

Update #34

Hi all...

Here we go again. Ready?

I'm headed to Roswell tomorrow morning (9:15 scheduled appointment, but in reality, who knows when I'll be seen!) to hear the results of the scans that I had on Friday.

I am, once again, not looking forward to tomorrow.  My bones (tailbone and pelvis/hip) have been noticeably achier than they have been so it's been challenging to not dwell on that. I have realized once again just how much I need to continually fill my mind and spirit with the truths of God so that I do not become filled with worries and fears that could so easily become a distraction to truly living the full life that Christ promises. 

So I would ask for prayer, that is, if you are willing to gear up in prayer for me again. And believe me...I know that for those of you who are experiencing the loss of Laura and who aren't quite sure if you're up for entering into someone else's life so intimately again for a little bit...this could be a very hard thing, something that you want to run from.  I get that.  I truly, truly do.  No apologies.  But for those of you who are able, I would very much appreciate a word spoken to Him upon my behalf.  Certainly for easy-to-hear test results, but even more so for a deep sense of His presence and His joy.   

Thanks my friends.

Be back in touch tomorrow sometime.

Kristie

Update #33 (From 12/15)

First off, my apologies for being so silent over the past few months. Some of you have wondered if you missed an update; you haven't.  Said simply, things with my health have been going well.  I am responding to this course of treatment.  My tumor markers have been consistently going down and the side effects of this type of chemo have been minimal.  For this, I am grateful.  More than I can express.   

But these few months have been - and continue to be - unbelievably difficult too.  

Because as I've gotten easy news about my own health, Laura has gotten hard news. And harder news.  And, now tonight, even harder news.  And yet, when you read her CaringBridge post that she wrote just minutes ago (see below)...And when you read it and think about what that will feel like as she steps out of her house in the morning...and when you stop and go to that place and imagine waking up tomorrow and wondering about the moments to come.  About what you'd say to your children. About what you'd be thinking as you went into your closet to get dressed, as you looked at the pictures hanging on the wall in the family room, as you passed by the kids' backpacks, as you stared out at the yard in which you have spent hours upon hours playing and laughing with your family...

Oh, are you crying yet?

Do you feel the immense, over-whelming difficulty of this moment for her, for her family? 

Have you attempted to imagine it? Imagine what you would do if you were in that same situation?

If you now find yourself with tears streaming from your eyes or now find yourself with a nasty, nasty lump in your throat fighting back those tears as you ponder the pain of all that, perhaps her words of hope jump off the page in a deeper way.   

"God is good.

He remains on His throne.

He awaits me in Heaven.

In these things I rely and trust. They have not changed.

And there is hope - hope in today and hope in tomorrow."

   

Do you see afresh why I love her so?How I am blessed beyond measure because of the countless ways God has spoken His truth through her to me?  Oh I know you see that.  And because you see it, you also see how much my heart breaks over this.  How painful it is. How devastatingly painful it is to contemplate doing life without her. 

Before I sign off, I want you to know that I hesitated sharing all that with you.  Why?  Because I don't want you to think for a second that I expect you to know how to respond.  That I think you should have the "perfect words" to respond with joy over my easy health news and respond with compassion over Laura's hard news.   If Hallmark doesn't have a card for this situation (which I'm certain they don't!), then please don't think that I expect you to have one.  There are some things for which there are no words.   I'm pretty sure this situation falls squarely in that category.  So...no words needed, but I will totally take hugs! 

Thanks, my friends.  Kristie

______________________________

    

From www.caringbridge.org/visit/laurarider

Hello everyone,

This unfortunately is a note I'd rather not  be writing, but as my faith-filled community who has prayed, fasted, encouraged and loved me so deeply for the last 2.5 years (and beyond), I wanted you to be aware of my current circumstances.

Tomorrow I will be going into a hospice care facility.  My pain and nausea have continued to increase, making basic life a challenge.  Recently I had switched pain/nausea medication in hopes that things would calm down but honestly, they've gotten only worse.  The progression of this disease becomes apparently obvious hour by hour.

It has been an incredibly difficult day in light of this decision.  However, God is good, He remains on His throne and He awaits me in Heaven.  In these things I rely and trust, they have not changed.  And there is hope- hope in today and hope in tomorrow.

I have led a remarkable 39.5 years of life- not one of perfection by any stretch!!, but a life that I bet some 90 years olds would trade theirs in for.  There is pain and grief, yet their is great joy and rejoicing as well.  How they combine, we can't understand, yet they do.

Thank you for you honest sharing in the grief, but thank you also for the joy and rejoicing.  Life is meant to be fully embraced and God has given me that great opportunity over and over.

As I have said all along, thank you for being the Church in action- His hands and His feet.  You have done an outstanding job!
With great love for you all,
Laura

So far...

....so good. 

Took 1st Xeloda chemo dose this morning and took another one after dinner tonight.  So far, no major side effects.  Actually, no side effects at all that I can discern besides a little tingling/ itching in my hands.  Much to my great delight, I was able to go for a long, long walk on this beautiful September, 72 degree day (a bonus summer day for those of us in Buffalo NY!). 

Thanks for your prayers.  Although...people...up the prayers in the "my kids being extra-specially kind" department...what's up with them being such grumps after school?!?!  No worries; I was ever-so-patient! 

Update #33: X-Day Tomorrow

Well...

After a great (and you could interpret that word "great" to either mean "long" or "fabulous" and you'd be absolutely correct!) delay, my chemo pills came in the mail today. 

And, it got me thinking:  I wonder if the FedEx man would have such a big smile on his face and say, "Have a good day!" if he knew what was contained in the package he was delivering to me.

Or I wonder what my new neighbor would think - that is different from the assumption that she may have made - if she knew the real reason why I received flowers today?  (Yes, they were from Laura who wanted me to have a "good" delivery instead of just a yucky chemo delivery today. Sweet, huh?) 

Or I wonder what the bicyclist thought who was trailing me for a minute as I walked down the road, headphones on, singing out loud (hopefully, not loudly or out of tune, but who knows!) if he knew that I was trying to fill my mind and my heart with the truths I know about my God instead of the worries about what tomorrow will be like as I swallow those pills.

Hmm...do I even need to say it? 

Sometimes the assumptions we make about someone may lead us to conclude something that is about the furthest thing from the truth as possible.

FedEx Delivery?  Could be something yucky.

Flowers?  Might be trying something to try to counter balance something yucky.

Singing out loud walking girl?  May be because she's desperate to remember the things she knows that are true, rather than the challenges that swirl around her. 


 

I have a friend who heard some hard news today.  Not life threatening news, but certainly life changing news.  Things that limit the activities that he's used to doing, that he loves to do, that he's dreamed of being able to do for years to come as the involved, on-the-go husband and dad that he is. 

The adjustment is going to be hard for him, hard for his family.

I'm sure that people who don't know the real reason he's sitting on the sidelines may make some assumptions about him from time to time.   They're going to be dead wrong.

You see, he'd do anything to be on that field with his son, with his daughter.  He'd do anything to be as able to take care of the workload around his house. 

He just can't.

At least for right now.

See a guy on the sidelines?  See a crazy girl walking with tears on her face?  See a floral delivery and wish that arrangement was for you?

Hmm...yep....that's stuff to ponder all right.

Love to you all

K.

P.S.  Prayers for tomorrow's first "X-day" would be appreciated...that the side effects would be minimal...that my kiddos would be extra-specially kind...that I would be able to be patient and kind if they aren't!!! :)  Thanks...

Not today...

Just a quick FYI. My chemo pills didn't arrive in the mail yesterday so I didn't have to take them yet. The question is...do I hope they come today or tomorrow or Monday or never...

 

:)