Update #61

Ok.  So today is a bit different than I thought it would be.

I'm supposed to be in my office, glued to my laptop, putting together the materials for the women's retreat I'm leading this weekend at Chad's mom's church in Reading, PA. Let's just say that, while I am still working on those materials, I'm definitely not doing it in my office. 

Where am I, you ask? 

Sitting in an Immediate Care office about 3 miles from my house waiting for them to do an ultrasound on my leg to rule out a blood clot.  [Oh wait; that actually just changed.  Now I'm in a wheelchair being wheeled across a parking lot to go from Immediate Care to the radiology center.  Oh how fun.  I feel like I'm in my very own parade.]

SERIOUSLY?!? 

In some respects, I'm angry about this; I mean, really, who the heck wants to be sitting in an exam room for an hour waiting to see if you've got a major problem or not?  But as I'm stepping back from my anger and frustration, I can't help but admit that it's actually, in a way, a fitting place for me to be right now.  

You see, the topic of this weekend's retreat is "Living Authentically Unoffended by God."  What I hope to have the women explore with me is this: How can we live so that nothing God does or says (or doesn't do or say) offends us?   So that nothing we don't understand (or don't like or don't agree with) hinders us from moving forward following hard after Him?   How in the world – especially when we face difficult relationships or circumstances – can we authentically, honestly, transparently live  without letting those things cause us to begin to distrust or desert the One whom we ought to trust and obey?

Hmmm. Think about that for a second. 

Doesn't it, then, sound like sitting in an exam room, waiting to hear some potentially yucky news might just be exactly the place from which I should be typing out this message? 

Sounds like it'll keep me honest about what it means to Live Unoffended, doesn't it?

Like it'll keep me from not glossing over or minimizing the depths of some of the hard things that we face in life, right? 

But, at the same time this room highlights that fact that life can be hard, this room (or this wheelchair and, actually now, laying on this table just minutes away from getting ultrasound jelly smeared all over my leg) also gives me the privilege of testing out His promises.  The privilege of testing out the multitude of promises He makes all throughout Scripture that point to His faithfulness and His trustworthiness, to His grace, to His presence and to His hope.  The privilege of testing them out and being able to say this:  

Even in this, His promises still hold true. 

An exam room.  A wheelchair joyride across a parking lot.  A gurney with an ultrasound machine next to it.

Not exactly how I planned to prepare for this weekend's retreat. 

Yet, how come I know that a retreat without having lived through this day would have been so much less than the retreat we'll have after living this out?  A bit more harried and rushed in the planning of it for sure.  But a far richer weekend as a result, I have no doubt. 

Ah…just another day in the life Kristie…

:)

P.S.  Just found out I don't have a clot.  Cool.  Mom & Dad  – you can relax now and continue to enjoy your River Cruise! :)

Update #60

Don't worry; no hard story today.  Actually it's sort of a great one:  

Yesterday I went to my first fitness class in over 3 years.  

My friend Becky was gracious enough to let this out-of-shape girl try out her "we kick butt" TRX class.  While I won't go into the details of how the class is run, let's just say that…shocking…it makes you use your muscles.   And, based on how I feel today, apparently it makes you use all your muscles.  

Seriously.  

Like every single muscle.  

Every where. 

Can you say, "Whole body hurts?"   

But it's good pain.

It's the kind of pain that tells you you're in the process of strengthening and improving and refining. The kind of pain that, while PAINFUL, reminds you that your body was designed to be exercised and challenged and used. 

And, it's the kind of pain that causes my heart to leap for joy because I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to participate in such a class again.

Not to be offensive to anyone, but I truly thought Silver Sneakers was my only exercise class option left – and even that I thought would be a stretch.  [If you don't know Silver Sneakers, the name basically speaks for itself.]

So you can imagine how yesterday was just a gift to me.  

A surprising and glorious gift. 

And, after the class, as I hobbled to my car, a few tears started to well up in my eyes.  

Not at all tears of sadness, but tears of thankfulness. 

And I wanted you to know. 

Because too often I only update you when things are tough or unknown or heart-wrenching.  

Not today.   

Today - as my body screams with every step and with just about every movement – today is, for me, just a delightful day.  

Ah yes…sometimes it's easy to praise God and sometimes it's hard.  

Today is easy.  

[Well..that is…as long as I don't lift my arms or bend my knees…then it hurts like crazy!!:) ]

Yay! 

Kristie

Update #59

Easy news at Roswell!  Scans showed no disease progression.  Translated:  No yucky meds needed for (at least) the next 4 weeks! We are, however, going to try to up my current meds back to the original dosage to see if I can tolerate it without getting mouth sores.  The good news is that if I do start to get the sores,  I know I can cut my meds in half again and handle it just fine. The only side effect of these meds has been that I have some acne.  

Yes, that's right. Acne. 

"My name is Kristie Rush. I'm 41 years old and for the first time in my life I'm using acne cream."   

Does it bother me, you ask?  While, who in their right mind would like the North Star zit, the truth is that it doesn't bother me.  

IT.COULD.BE.SO.MUCH.WORSE.  

And, what's more, there is a hidden-blessing in all this: I have a new way to relate to my middle-school daughter and her friends as they navigate the woes of breakouts! (Hmmm…Is that being a bit too "Polyanna"?  Sorry. Still true!)  

So here's my story for you today. 

Went to bed with a little pit in my stomach.  Woke up this morning with a slightly larger pit in my stomach.  Drove into Roswell with that same darn pit.  As I drove, I thought to myself, "I wish today wasn't just about me needing encouragement from others."  

Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful for your encouragement. 

I don't know where I'd be without it. 

But, I will also tell you that abundant life – as least how I experience it – doesn't happen when I'm only on the receiving end.  

The paradoxical truth of God is that you are filled even more when you pour out.   

So, amidst the thoughts of "Oh crap; why do I have to do this today" and "What if the news is hard?" and "Oh Lord, please help me", the thought of, "Too bad today wasn't a day for pouring out" was running through my mind. 

Ha. Love it when God shows up and changes everything.

To preserve confidentiality, let me just say this.  God presents opportunities at times when we least expect Him to.  

Without us orchestrating anything.  

Without us having any idea that we've just been invited by Him to participate in His unfolding plans. 

By just asking someone a question of, "So, how did the move to the apartment go?", I got to participate in almost 30 minutes of listening and encouraging and speaking truth and offering hope to someone that I would consider almost a stranger. Certainly not a friend. Certainly not someone I ever expected to have a conversation like that with.  

In the midst of needing to be poured into (by you all!), I had the opportunity to pour out.

And it was joyful.

And life-giving.

And surprising.

And persepective-shifting. 

Yet I almost missed it.

I almost missed it because I tried to avoid this person in order to get out of Roswell faster today.

I got my "easy news" and I wanted to bail and "get on with my life."

Who knew that my life was supposed to be lived today a bit longer at Roswell? 

Who knew that, NOTHING else in my day – not even a trip to Starbucks for my celebratory Iced Peppermint Mocha – would be more important than that conversation.

Who knew that the need to pour out was right there before my eyes?

Not me.

But the One who reigns did.

And I got to experience being a part of Him revealing Himself to someone.

And it was good.

Easy news at Roswell was received by me.

Life-changing news at Roswell was given by me.

Now that's something to celebrate.

Love you and thankful for you,

K.

Update #58

It's been a whirlwind August. 

From my parents' cottage to Ocean City, NJ with Chad's family and then back to the cottage. Home for two days then off to Zambia for a week. Back home for a couple of days and then off to the cottage again.  And, as of this morning at 8:32 AM, off to school. 

Whew.

I wouldn't have changed a thing. 

And I won't be anything but grateful for the opportunities given me. 

You see, in the spring when I realized that my meds were probably no longer working, I thought the only medical options left involved the throwing up kind of chemo.  And therefore I thought that my family and I might have a tough summer. Back in April, when I risked looking ahead and thought about what might lie before me, I never imagined that August would look like the way that it actually ended up being.  

Perhaps a trip to Ocean City. 

Perhaps time at my parents' cottage.  

But never in a million years did I think it would also include a trip across the world to Zambia. 

Change that: A trip to Zambia feeling great, feeling healthy. 

Not throwing up.

And definitely not bald. 

I could tell you a million things about Zambia – and I probably will tell you more as the days go forward – but for today, I'm going to let one picture speak the proverbial 1000 words.

I took this picture as I sat outside reading my Bible and listening to worship music on a beautiful, cloudless and crisp (yes, crisp!) morning in Zambia. I didn't take it to have a cool picture. I took it because, as I was sitting there, I realized it depicted perfectly some of the hard-to-explain-with-words complexities of my life: 

The emotions of being both grateful to be fully alive, yet having a still so very tender and hurting and confused heart over the loss of Laura.  

The humility of knowing all my human frailties and imperfections, yet the joy of realizing that those don't disqualify me from participating God-directed things. Things that matter.

The tension between wanting to live a comfortable, easy, ho-hum life and  also wanting to be part of an unknown, often costly, adventure following after a loving, but not always "safe" God.

The illogical role of Scripture in my life…a source of great comfort, excitement and peace, yet at the exact same time, sometimes a source of mystery, frustration and challenge. 

I could probably say more, but then there goes the 1000 words to 1 picture ratio, right? :)  

So let me just say this: above all what this picture represents for me is the freedom to live.

Whether that's in Zambia or not. 

With Laura or not. 

On a beautiful, sunny morning or not. 

This picture reminds me that, through Christ, God has given me – and you – the opportunity to live fully.

Even when things are unknown.

Even when things are scary.

Even when things are hard.

I love that.

That's the stuff of hope. 

So, my friends…thanks for taking a few minutes out of your day to read this.  If you have a few minutes more, I'd love to ask for your prayers… Headed to Roswell tomorrow for scans and blood work.  I'll hear the results next Wednesday.  

Pray that I'll be brave and grateful. 

Thanks!

K. 

Update #57

Just a quick one today…

#1  Radiation is OVER!  Super thankful that I was able to get a daily appointment time at 8:10 AM so the impact to my kiddos was minimal.  Super thankful that the side effects were minimal.  Super thankful that those lovely green accessories on my legs can now be removed.  Not super thankful that my quad and hamstring muscles didn't particularly like being radiated and they feel as if they've been fairly severely pulled.  They say that it should get better "over time", but I'm actually in more pain now than I was before.  Nothing two advil can't take care of, tho, so we're still good.   Ahh…the joys of treatment. :)

#2  Zambia is ON!  Long story, but I made a decision to go to Zambia. It's actually a cool story, but not one that fits into "this is a quick update" category. Suffice it say, it's not a "bucket-list" decision (I don't believe in bucket lists) nor is it a stick-your-head-in-the-sand-and-pretend-there-aren't-risks decision; rather, it's an obedience-to-God's-leading decision.  So…I, and 4 others from my church, will be gone from 8/20-8/27.  Other than the long travel times (JFK – Johannesburg, SA is 15 1/2 hours!), there's nothing about this trip that causes me any worry or concern or even the slightest furrowed brow feeling.  On the flip side, I also don't have any expectations as to what I will experience or what God has for me to be a part of when I'm there.  My biggest prayer is that this time away matters for eternity. Oh, and that I don't get yellow fever. That's also a prayer.  Because getting yellow fever or meningitis or malaria or typhoid, well…that would just stink.  :)

#3  Reprieve from Roswell for the rest of the summer.  Because of being away, I actually have a 5 week break from Roswell!  I don't return until 9/6 for scans and the 9/11 for my appointment with my oncologist to see what might be going on inside my body.  This break feels glorious.  And I will take it with open hands and a grateful heart. :)

[And, yes, if you've been counting…that's three smily faces in one email.  Can you tell that I'm thrilled to be done with Roswell for a little bit?] 

Enjoy the rest of your summer, my friends!

Love,

Kristie 

Update #56

Quick one today. 

Three things:

One Big Praise! Chad spoke truth this weekend at church. It was an honor to listen to him. Even more so because I have seen first-hand - and time and time again - that he actually lives out that which he shared.  In this mess of cancer, Chad is patient and worshipful. He perseveres & battles to keep his feet firmly planted in faith.  He chooses to daily trust in the unchanging character of God.  What a blessed girl I am to have him!  If you have about 30 minutes and want to watch a potentially tear-jerking video from me (a letter to our kids that I read aloud), listen to Chad's talk, and hear me bumble thru an ending, you can go to www.wchamburg.org.  

One Ugh!  I am starting radiation to my left femur on Wednesday. I will go every day (M-F) for two weeks.  The side effects are expected to be minimal. However, the decision has been difficult to make because my pain levels, while slightly increasing, are still VERY low and, although the actual treatment only takes minutes, the entire process of driving in/out, parking, etc. will take about 2 hours out of each day…time away from my kiddos.  

One Help! I have been presented with an opportunity to go on a missions trip to Zambia.  There is some significant concern by my doctor that it is an unwise move because of the vaccinations that I must get in order to go. I am torn about what to do.  Although I will be getting only inactive (non-live) vaccines, there is risk that my cancer meds will interfere with the efficacy of the vaccines. I need to make my decision by tomorrow.  Yikes!  If I do go, it will be from about 8/21 – 8/28.   I'd love your prayers for wisdom on this…

Thanks, friends!

K.

Update #55

I just reconnected on Facebook with a college friend. She reached out to me after finding a link to the blog where all these updates are also posted. In her message she said that she had a sleepless night and read through almost all of the updates from start to finish. 

At first I was flattered that she would invest her time doing that.  

But quickly I realized that perhaps she read them because she was desperately trying to fall asleep and that darn sheep-counting exercise just wasn't working as well as reading updates #1-#54! 

Funny, right? 

In all honesty – and I'm trying to say this as accurately as possible so that it isn't misinterpreted - while as much as I truly appreciate anyone spending time reading these updates in one sitting, there is something about that that is a bit troubling to me.

Reading updates #1-#54 takes about an hour or two. 

Living them out has taken over 3 years.

And there's something incredibly real that is lost by looking back and reading update #54 just minutes after reading update #53 when, in actuality, it took 27 days of moment-by-moment living in order for Update #54  to be written.  There's something lost by being able to start from June 24, 2013 and read backward to May 6, 2010.  There's something lost about just clicking on "Next Page" and waiting 0.5 seconds for the page to load in order to find out what happens.  

You already know how the story has gone.

You already know the outcome. 

You don't have to wait and wonder and wait and wonder. And wait and wonder.

You don't have to live in between the updates.

And that's the total opposite of what actually occurred in order for an update to be written:

I had to live in order for there to be anything to write about in an update.

In between the updates is what living is all about. Is what faith is all about. 

About waking up each morning and choosing to trust Him.

About ending a day realizing you didn't end up trusting Him very well that day.

About wrestling with Him over what might happen in the coming days and weeks and months and years.  

About spending time in His Word, remembering His promises and His character and the blessings He's already abundantly provided.

About surrendering all the "what-if" questions to the One who has proven Himself trustworthy. 

Absolutely; there is much gained by reading someone's faith story journal from back to front or from front to back in one sitting.

But there is some that is lost. 

And that bothers me a little.  

Because I don't want anyone ever thinking, for one second, that I am just a compilation of my updates, a series of snapshots, a set of pretty postcards. 

Because I'm not. 

I'm a girl who has to decide – each morning, each evening, each moment - if Christ is who He said He is, and can do what He promises, and can offer hope that lasts and joy that permeates and peace that settles and calms.  

And so do you. 

While you might not have to write updates, you, like me, still have to make daily choices on how you're going to live. About what you're going to believe. About what life is all about. About what you do when you fail. About where your eyes and heart and mind rest when things are unknown and difficult and not how you'd love for them to be.

That's the real stuff of living.

And on Saturday night and on Sunday morning (3 times!), Chad and I get the opportunity to share more about this.  

About encountering God in the midst of the real stuff of living, even when that real stuff of living is hard.  

How it's messy and beautiful and frustrating and comforting.   

Ultimately, how we can still experience the mercy and compassion of God.

If you've got nothing to do – or if you have a million things to do, but sense that this may be something that's important for you to hear – you're welcome to come.

Once again, I end with this: I appreciate you more than you know.  

K.

Wesleyan Church of Hamburg

4999 McKinley Parkway

Hamburg, NY 14075

Service Times

Saturday night at 6:30 

Sunday at 9:15 (smaller, traditional service in the Chapel), 

Sunday at 9:30 and 11 (in the big worship center)

(Children's Sunday School Offered at each service)
Connect with me if you have questions